Navigating the world at 19 is tough. You’re coming out of childhood and into adulthood. Even if your parents prepared you well, it’s still like steering a gigantic yacht without any training. You aren’t just trying to figure out how to pay bills, but you’re trying to figure out who you are.
Are you heading down the same path as your parents? Are you rebelling?
Are you trying to ride a middle road?
At 19, I was in college full time, working 3 part time jobs and dating a 43 year old man. He was married with 5 kids and 2 grandkids, and I certainly wasn’t his only side piece.
I’ve always been a perfectionist. I was striving for A’s during the day or online at night and working as an intern journalist, at a go-kart track/waterslide park and at a retail store.
I saw my “boyfriend” at the waterslide park often, and when I wasn’t with him there, we were galavanting around in his car, “parking” at a random location … again, real classy stuff.
His wife often called my phone begging me to go away. At the time, it didn’t shake me. What did I care? He was emotionally checked out, and he told me he was getting divorced as soon as he could anyway. <— that’s like a movie, right?
We didn’t have any real relationship. Basically, we met at random places and had sex, or I went to his sketchy house – where he rented one room – had sex, I stayed over and went about my day.
At the time, I could feel the gaping hole in my heart. I would hint at being an actual couple, which he always laughed at, and deep down – I knew he just wanted sex. I was getting some attention, and that was better than none – or so I thought.
If you would’ve just peeled back the first couple layers of my emotional state, I would’ve said, “He loves me. He’ll leave her.” blah blah blah
However, if you would’ve peeled all the way to the core, I probably would’ve admitted out loud that his interest in me was purely for sex. He was my first and only, and I wasn’t about to let that go easily.
In October of 2006, I had known about the other woman getting pregnant for about 2 months. It crushed me over and over. Every time I thought about it, it made me want to puke. Why did that bother me more than the married part or the other 5 kids? Maybe because it caught me so off guard.
I decided to go to the mountains one weekend that October. Maybe “something” …God, but I sure wouldn’t have admitted that at the time being an Atheist… was nagging at me to go and take a break from my emotional chaos.
I went with my best friend at the time, who had put up with a lot of crap from me. Hung around while I would go see him, cover for me all the time…she was a saint.
I had no idea that my decision to go away for the weekend would ultimately lead to me finding Jesus, meeting my first husband and having Bud.